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Home Improvement 2: Zombie proofing your home.


Before we get into zombie proofing your home we need to establish the type of zombie the proofing that will be discussed is effective against. For the sake of this article the zombies in question are what the NZI National Zombie Institue call Type 1. Type 1 zombies are slow and stupid, and can be killed using fire, damage to the head or spine. They cannot be starved or waited out, and like many other zombies Type 1 can infect you with just a bite or scratch.

Ok, now that it is established that we are dealing with NZI designated Type 1 zombies lets get into zombie proofing your home.

1st defense: Undetected

If you can manage to keep the zombies from detecting you or keep them from finding any interest in your home. This can be done by blacking out windows and never running to your home if you are being pursued within sight range by a zombie or zombies. Remaining undetected is a very effective way of zombie proofing ones home.

2nd defense: Fortification

A strong defense is useful against  many zombies, fortification includes but is not limited to:

Boarding all doors and windows, ensure boards do not have gaps between them larger than a gun barrel.

Putting large objects in front of doors/windows as in trucks, cars, dead non zombie elephant carcasses.

Pits are good but short term since zombies will eventually fill them in and just walk over their commrades to your home.

Fences work as long as they are higher than the average zombie. NZI averages zombie height to about 5'9-6'0.

Never overlook moving to a more secure site. As fun as a mall sounds and looks it should never be used as a anti zombie fortification there are several documenteries that explain this theory.

3rd defense: OFFENSE

Gather as many non zombie people you can find and arm yourselves with bats, clubs, firearms prefered shotguns, and go zombie hunting. The National Zombie Institute has established the following guidelines to the OFFENSE tactic.

1. Never use chainsaws they we eventually do more harm than good.

2. Do not allow children no matter how dire the need, wield a firearm see rule 1.

3. Stay orderly and dispatch zombies in a repeat manner, trying to show off or going into a frenzy will only cause ones demise.

4. If someone is scrathced bitten, or answers your question of "Are you Ok?" with "yea.. yea.. im fine." That person needs to be imediatley eliminated, that means killed. The NZI reports that 68% of infections are inflicted by "friendly persons that have turned into zombies.".

5. Zombie killing group should be 2:1 ratio against zombies.

Offense is an effective zombie proofing technique, just remeber SAFETY FIRST.

 
   
 

3 October 2004